Archive for March 2007

What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

Me: What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

Wife: Uh–

Me: Crib death.

Wife: Aw, that’s sad.

Me: Well, you can always buy a new crib.

Wife: Imagine, walking into the nursery and finding your baby in a dead crib.

Misusing Parental Authority for Private Jokes

You know what I think would be fun to do? When my daughter is a little girl, say about 4 years old, I want to take her to Golden Gate National Cemetary. We’ll visit a grave site and I’ll introduce her to her great-uncle. We’ll visit it every month, and I’ll tell her touching stories of his brave deeds in the war, and how he used to give me caramel apples when I was a kid, and how much I still miss him. It’s a shame you never knew him, you know.

Every month, for years, and extra trips on holidays and his birthday. She’ll grow to love her poor old great-uncle.

Then, when she’s about 13, I’ll tell her the truth: that I have no idea who the guy is that’s buried under there, that I made up all the stories or cribbed them from the 40’s pulps, and that I don’t even like caramel apples.

And when, amidst her tears, she demands to know why, I’ll make up something about how it really had a noble purpose or taught a good lesson, in an attempt to weasel out of it.

Okay. I would never do this. But wow, isn’t it a sick mind that even thinks of things like this?

The Cigar Joke

A old woman is seated by the window on a 747, flying across the country to visit her daughter. Cuddled him her arms is her tiny little poodle, Fifi. Unfortunately, an man seated next to her pulls out an ugly black cigar and lights it up. “Excuse me, sir? There’s, there’s no smoking on this flight, sir” the old woman stammers. The man just looks at her as if to say, “So?”

The old woman coughs, but the old man pays no attention. Then Fifi starts to cough as well. “Sir, your cigar is making my precious Fifi ill. Please extinguish your cigar.” The man just snorts and blows smoke in her face and then in Fifi’s face.

Finally the old woman has enough. She rolls down the window of the plane, grabs the cigar out of his mouth, and throws it out the window.

“Lady, you can smooch your pooch goodbye!” snarls the man, as he grabs Fifi and hurls her out the window. “FIFIIII!” cries the old woman, sobbing.

As the plane finally lands, the woman is still sobbing. But when she gets off the plane, who should she see coming up the runway, but Fifi! And guess what she had in her mouth?

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No, the brick! 0