Demon Clown Baby

Me: Consumer Reports says we should put the baby right in a crib, no bassinets. I measured and we can fit a crib in front of my side of the closet. You could still get to your clothes, but I’d have to put mine somewhere else. That’s the only place we could fit the crib, but it’ll work.

Wife: Okay.

Me: Hopefully we can use a bassinet and it be safe, but if we have to use a crib right away, we can. Only downside is that the space between the crib and the bed will only be 15 inches. But how often do you walk over there?

Wife: Uh, all the time, and even more when the baby’s born. That doesn’t seem like a lot of space.

Me: But you’ll be thin then!

Wife: [lower lip quivering]

Me: Uh-oh.

(Actually, my wife does carry the baby very well. All the other women say so. (And they’re usually not happy about it, actually. If they got big when they were pregnant, they want to make sure everyone else does too. But that’s a subject for another day.)