Archive for November 2007

Things that aren’t funny

Note to husbands: sneaking home from work, coming in the back door while your wife is in the other room, placing the baby on the floor to make it seem like she fell out of bed, then going back to work to wait for your wife’s frantic call: Not Funny.

Don’t eat at the Firehouse Grill: They’re Fax Spammers!

The Firehouse Grill in South San Francisco, CA. They have twice sent fax spam to my company. Fax spam! And it’s not advertising penny stocks or Viagra or whatever. It’s just a real spam for their stupid restaurant, just a few miles away.

What kind of idiotic people run that restaurant, that they think it’s acceptable to send unsolicited FAXES to local businesses?

Send us regular postal junk mail, I don’t mind throwing it away. I might even read it. I don’t mind postal mail, because there’s usually not that much of it and it doesn’t cost me anything.

But email spam isn’t paid for by the sender. It’s paid for by all of us. ISPs have to have more mail servers, more techs, and spend more time dealing with it. I know people who spend an hour a day fighting their spam.

Fax spam actually steals paper and ink from people! (Not us, we have a computer answer the fax machine, ha hah.) Why in the world would I give money to a business that tried to cost me money in the form of paper and ink?

And you know what? They weren’t even faxing a coupon. Just a “here’s how great we are” letter somebody threw together in Wordpad or something.

I wrote “Fax spam is bad!” and faxed it right back to them.

Epic Food Poisoning

I’ve had food poisoning before. Once from either Subway or Botson Market (sandwich from one, dessert from the other, don’t know which was the culprit) probably 10 years go, and once from McDonalds (McChicken sandwich), probably 5 years ago.

Food poisoning may be the only thing worse than Poison Oak. Although Poison Oak lasts a lot longer.

My 3rd and latest bout occurred at the worst possible time. The Friday night before Halloween, there was a costume party. I got fast food on the way home so we wouldn’t have to cook. Ate quickly, got dressed up, and off we went.

I’ll have pictures of my costume soon, hopefully. I went as Ninja Claus. More on that later. The baby had a spider costume. My wife went as Little Miss Muffet.

My costume was very hot, as my whole head except for my eyes was covered and with a hat on top of that. The house had a lot of people, so it was hot as well. I started to not feel good. I started to really not feel good. I eventually took off my mask so I could breath. I felt better, then worse again.

After only being there about 90 minutes, I informed my wife we had to leave. We returned home none too soon. It was just dawning on me that, rather than being overheated, I in fact had food poisoning, which may have been exacerbated by the heat, but was going to manifest itself in any event.

Food poisoning manifests itself by violently emptying the contents of the stomach and bowel.

At around 8:30pm, lower port expulsion begins. Followed a bit later by upper port projectile expulsion.

After that, every hour, on the hour, upper port expulsion. I mean it; I would try to go to sleep at 10, 11, 12, 1, 2, 3, and 4, only to awaken at 10:45, 11:45, 12:45, 1:45, 2:45, 3:45, and 4:45 with the exquisite mix of pain, sickness, nausea, cramps, dread, and self-loathing.

It was fascinating the way the timing worked though. Literally within 2 minutes of the top of the hour was when I’d finish my latest worship service at the porcelain goddess.

After 9 sessions, I realized I was probably about out of liquid in my body and would require an IV. I had tried drinking water, I had tried not drinking water, it seemed to make no difference.

A 5am call to the advice nurse yielded the answer: give up on sleep (though I was exhausted) and wait 20 minutes after expulsion and start sipping water or Gatorade.

Can you believe I never had tried Gatorade before? My wife went out in search of an open store to buy some provisions. I mostly sat and whimpered.

It took all day Saturday to recover. And half of Sunday as well. My two previous experiences with food poisoning had 2 or perhaps 3 sessions of hurlage. This one totalled 10. TEN. I don’t have to worry about appendicitis ever because I’m pretty sure I threw it up.

I think it’ll be a long time before I eat Taco Bell again. Although my wife had it and didn’t get sick. She had something different than I did. I know I could eat it tomorrow and not get food poisoning, most likely. But it would remind me of the horrors of that night, and that’s not what I want while eating.