Me: Man, allergic to bacon! How do you live like that?
Wife: I think if you’re allergic to bacon you should just kill yourself.
Me: Preferably by eating a whole lot of bacon.
Wife: You’re a bad person.

Or if you’re in a relationship, but have passed the googly-eyed stage and find uncomfortable all the pressure to be romantic…

Or your relationship is in trouble so you’d rather not be reminded of what you once had or could have had…

Or you simply prefer to be romantic on your own, without being told what to do by card and candy makers, if you can’t enjoy giving pink-heart decorated gifts without feeling like you’re toeing the corporate line like a good little consumer…

Then rebel.

And you don’t have to be a downer and ramble and rave about what you don’t like about Valentine’s Day. Let the people that want to enjoy it, enjoy it.

On February 14, simply wish everyone “Happy VD.”

My baby is still alive so I can joke about SIDS. I tried to tell my dad the “crib death” joke and he didn’t find it the least bit funny, since he knew someone whose baby died.

So, if you find such things offensive, please don’t read this post. No harm is meant, I don’t find real crib death funny in the slightest.

This is just something I thought of while worrying about my own baby suffocating, choking, or dying in any of the myriad ways babies can just expire. So, you’ve gotta laugh.

Click the image below to see it full size.

Wife: Okay.

Me: Hopefully we can use a bassinet and it be safe, but if we have to use a crib right away, we can. Only downside is that the space between the crib and the bed will only be 15 inches. But how often do you walk over there?

Wife: Uh, all the time, and even more when the baby’s born. That doesn’t seem like a lot of space.

Me: But you’ll be thin then!

Wife: [lower lip quivering]

Me: Uh-oh.

(Actually, my wife does carry the baby very well. All the other women say so. (And they’re usually not happy about it, actually. If they got big when they were pregnant, they want to make sure everyone else does too. But that’s a subject for another day.)

Me: Spider-Man came out yesterday.

Wife: He’s gay?!

I discovered Dr McNinja last September or so. Okay, so I was a little late getting in on it, but once I did, hoo boy.

This is a wonderful webcomic; funny, very cool, and it doesn’t rely on profanity or obscenity.

Absurdist humour at its best. Frozen shamrocks being used as ninja stars will allow me to laugh myself to sleep for years to come.

So I decided I must be Dr McNinja for Halloween. I already had a katana (and not a wall-hanger either, it’s an actual sword, not just a display piece), so I just got the lab coat, stethoscope, and needed a ninja mask.

Well, I couldn’t find any adult ninja masks! I finally got the largest child size I could find, cut it up some, did some fancy things with tape, and viola.

You can’t tell, but the clipboard has printouts of the first three issues, so I could show people. And the pen I got from someone who got it from a pharmaceutical rep; it’s advertising some drug or other.

It was quite an apropos costume, because at work and at home I’m always (unintentionally) scaring people; I guess I don’t make much noise when I enter a room and people are always looking up to see me standing 2 feet away and shrieking in terror. I just tell them I practice The Way of the Ninja and that actually mollifies them. Go figure.

The old woman coughs, but the old man pays no attention. Then Fifi starts to cough as well. “Sir, your cigar is making my precious Fifi ill. Please extinguish your cigar.” The man just snorts and blows smoke in her face and then in Fifi’s face.

Finally the old woman has enough. She rolls down the window of the plane, grabs the cigar out of his mouth, and throws it out the window.

“Lady, you can smooch your pooch goodbye!” snarls the man, as he grabs Fifi and hurls her out the window. “FIFIIII!” cries the old woman, sobbing.

As the plane finally lands, the woman is still sobbing. But when she gets off the plane, who should she see coming up the runway, but Fifi! And guess what she had in her mouth?

W
A
I
T

F
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I
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No, the brick! 0

The first man takes a brick, and he throws it high up into the air. 10 seconds later, it comes back down with a thud. The 2nd man says, “Ha! That’s all you’ve got?” He throws a brick up into the air, and it takes 20 seconds to come down. “Oh Yeah?!” shouts the first man. He heaves a brick up with a mighty groan and a full minute later, it comes down. “That’s nothing!” snarls the 2nd man. He crouches down, breathes hard, and jumps up, hurling the brick as hard as he can. Five minutes later, it comes down with a tremendous thud. The first man tries again, grunting and sweating, and 20 minutes later the brick comes down. The 2nd man takes his turn, and an hour later, the brick comes down. The first man is getting ready to try again when the foreman comes running out. He starts yelling at the two men. “What is all this commotion? Why aren’t you working?!” They explain the contest. The foreman snorts with derision. “I’ll show you who is the strongest.” He spits on his hands and grabs a brick. He pauses, then hurtles the brick up as hard as he possibly can… and it never came down.